5:00 AM - My Iphones starts to vibrate. I crawl out of bed and selfishly wish that I was unemployed.
5:03 AM - Coffee hisses out of the Keurig. I sip it and selfishly wish that i was unemployed.
5:05 AM - Dog goes out. I stand on the deck, sip my coffee, light a cigarette and selfishly wish that i was unemployed.
5:10 AM - I sink down on the sofa and aimlessly flip through channels. As i sip on my coffee, I selfishly wish that I was unemployed.
5:15 AM - Dog is back inside. I toss two scoops of a very expensive salmon based food into her dish. She is happy that I am not unemployed.
5:30 AM - I start watching an infomercial about rotisserie cookers. I notice that the advertised model causes fat to drip away as it spins while the competitors model results in lost flavour dripping away. Its all the same grease.
5:45 AM - Coffee hisses once again from the Keurig. I coax the dog outside as an excuse for me to smoke another cigarette. She is my willing accomplice.
5:50 AM - I obsessively scroll through instagram. I double-tap everything, even if I don't like it.
5:55 AM - I stand naked infront of the bathroom mirror in an attempt to motivate myself to workout.
5:56 AM - I step on and off of the bathroom scale. After 6 hops, I average the results.
6:00 AM - Benchpress - 220lbs - 3 sets of 12
6:10 AM - Sit-ups - 3 sets of 15
6:15 AM - Chin-ups - 3 sets of 8
6:20 AM - Chair dips - 3 sets of 25
6:30 AM - I shower.
6:40 AM - Teeth freshly cleaned and deodorant applied.
6:45 AM - Dressed. No Tie. Ties are for assholes.
6:50 AM - Tie on.
6:55 AM - More Coffee. I lure the dog outside with a dentabone. I smoke another cigarette.
7:00 AM - I prepare my lunch. 3 carrots chopped, 1 cucumber sliced and one paper towel wrapped banana all jammed into a ziplock bag. The ziplock bag is jammed into my backpack.
7:10 AM - I leave the house... walking towards downtown.
7:20 AM - I use my MasterCard to buy cigarettes at a gas station. She knows my brand. I'm ashamed by this. We don't exchange pleasantries.
7:30 AM - I wait inline for 10 minutes for an extra large coffee with two milk. The server has a nervous tick that causes her to do what looks like chewing gum. She has no memory of my daily visit or what i would like to order. I am angered by this. We are forced to exchange pleasantries.
7:40 AM - I pretend not to see a homeless person outside of the coffee shop asking for change.
7:45 AM - I pass the city library and contiplate turning around and calling in sick to work.
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