Skip to main content

Daily Affirmations


I take dozens of photos in the bathroom mirror each week.  I find that it really helps to set the tone for the day by providing yourself with the opportunity to start each and every morning by harshly criticizing youself on a microscopic level.

Pinch zoom allows you to do this one pixel at a time.

I like to fixate on the random little spots dotted across my pasty white skin.  I try new ways to suck in my stomach, and bend myself in random and unnatural positions in wasted effort to falsify a "V" shaped body like the guys I see running at the park.  I flex my arms like I'm in competition.  I am reminded over and over again that my first tattoo was a bad idea, and my body hair coverage resembles what I imagine it would look like if Robin Williams had a child with Ron Jeremy.  That same body hair is quickly transitioning in colour from a handsome brown to a creepy santa like white.

The hair (along with my hair covered fupa) is the only part of me that resembles Ron Jeremy.

I spend an equal amount of time each morning on a depressing visual analysis of my dick, followed by a mental comparison between my own and every other dick I've seen (think "Life flashing before your eyes", where all you can see is a stream of endless cocks.  This includes and is not limited to: friends, tricks, porn stars, text messages, boyfriends, and of course dicks seen in the urnial at a stadium bathroom)

As I frown down at it, it shrivels up into its forskin with a grimace and frowns right back up at me.  It looks like a wrinkled wet a sock found after weeks stuck behind the washing machine.

My phone should be destroyed  



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

March 2005 Diary Post - Redux

Sunday March 15th 2005 (2017 name redacted) and I went to McDonalds yesterday for lunch, it was quite an experience. First of all, you have to understand that I don't think either of us actually wanted to eat there.  We were both just really fucking hungry.  And after all, the sign in the food court said that we would be "loving it". 2017 Update - I am always hungry.  I will always eat at fast food when given the opportunity.  I always want to eat there.  Who am I to argue with such a clever marketing campaign like that? So I walk up to the counter after a long period of deliberation ready to place my order. A Philippino girl (whom I later learned from the receipt went by the name of Narita,)asks me what I would like, so I ordered 2 of the big -extra value meals. When she asked me what I would like to drink, her accent was so strong that i could have sworn that she asked if would like cock. I immediately said yes and was quite disappointed when she retu
Post a Comment
Read more

Shanks and Sugar Plums

Each night before I go to bed, I prop my iPad up on the end table next to the bed to watch some copywritten tv shows on YouTube.  More specifically I watch old episodes of National Geographics "Lock-Up".  There is nothing better than being whisked away to dream land with the pleasant thoughts of Arizona's Tent City, or any one the million county lock ups in the good ol' US of A.  Aside from learning that that I can melt the end of a toothbrush into a knife if I ever get into a jam, I have also learned something interesting about myself (well being honest, I have always known this, just never wanted to think to much about it,) I don't seem to think to much about myself. When I start thinking about how I would handle time in the big house, my mind goes immediately to what i think is probably a pretty fucked up place.  I just think about what it would be like to be all alone in the yard with no one to talk to.  I think about how jealous i would be of the popular in
Post a Comment
Read more

Just Like Mom Part 1

One of my favourite memories as a child is a horrrible incident that ended with my sister in tears. When I was about 7 and my sister 8, she lived for only one thing, a TV show.  Cable TV wasn't really a thing yet, and one of the only channels we had access to on our Sony dial set was a game show called "Just Like Mom".  The premise of the show was pretty simple, if not a little bit overdone (pun intended.) Three mother/daughter teams would compete in a first round of Honeymoon style trivia to the likes of what's your mothers favourite colour or who is your daughters favourite movie star (if it matters, hers was Tom Cruise and mine was of course Elvira... I was a weird kid.)  No matter the score, there were no losers and all teams moved onto the final round - The Bake Off. Each daughter would have access to seemingly endless selection a of ingredients with the goal of baking the best cookies, which of course would be taste tested by mom.  True to the 1980's,
Post a Comment
Read more